Pug-faced dinosaur Joe Kinnear is back at Newcastle with none of the belligerent bark that characterised his first spell on Tyneside.
JFK (the acronym awarded to Joe for his incessant use of the F-bomb) gained notoriety in 2008 for calling journalist Simon Bird a “c*nt”.
Over the weekend, Kinnear joined BBC’s Talksport to clear the air. Football fans were expecting an onslaught of verbal diarrhoea but were pleasantly surprised by Kinnear‘s sprawling vocabulary and pitch perfect pronunciation.
New Role Will Be A Balancing Act
It was an interview delivered with all the eloquence of a Shakespearean soliloquy. It therefore came as no shock when Kinnear revealed his future plans:
“At Wimbledon, we were all warriors. On top of educating Pards on the beauty of the English language [a nod to the Newcastle manager’s ‘rape’ gaffe on Match of the Day], I’ll be channelling the warrior in me to play one of literature’s most noble characters – Macbeth. Toon by day, London’s West End by night. ”
Geordie fans have described it as an archaic appointment, given that Kinnear’s last sustained involvement in top-tier management came to an end “last century” when he left Wimbledon.
When grilled on supporter contempt, Kinnear retorted: “Alas, a series of ad-hominem arguments from the unintelligent Newcastle diaspora. It’s a good job native Geordies know the real story. I’ve been anchored in the ITV ‘Tactics Truck’ for much of the last 13 years providing ammunition for Wheaty (David Pleat) Beggers (Jim Beglin) and TOWIE (Andy Townsend).”
In a momentary throwback to his guttermouth years, Kinnear launched a thinly-veiled jibe at fellow footballing “geezer” Harry Redknapp: “It seems hanging your head out of a car window earns you kudos for transfer dealings these days. Let me tell you this: the only thing I was hanging out of after buying Efan Ekoku from Norwich in 1994 was Delia Smith’s arse.”
Transfer Ninja Kinnear To Leverage PRISM
Kinnear, who will assume the role vacated by Dennis Wise four years ago, was quick to rationalise his appointment:
“You probably heard about Robbie Earle flogging his complimentary tickets on the sly at ITV. Where do you think he learnt that? At Wimbledon. That’s the kind of guile I bring to transfers. I can spot a good bit of business”
“I’m an early adopter. Arsène [Wenger] of all people warned me about the perils of PRISM – they can see every young player you search for on the web. I’ve used the whole system to my benefit. I’ve logged every single player people search for.”
Has Kinnear Made Newcastle Odds On For The Drop?
Kinnear’s appointment has underlined a host of new betting markets. 14-1 for Newcastle to be relegated on Paddypower represents good value if you dig the despair of Toon fans at JFK’s appointment.
Meanwhile Pardew, who according to the Geordie rumour mill loves a punt himself, is now 7/4 on William Hill to be next manager to leave the Premiership.
When questioned on the odds of forging a successful relationship with Pardew, Kinnear quipped: “Look, I kept [ex-Wimbledon goalkeeper] Neil Sullivan happy for the best part of eight years whilst Hans Segers was number one. I’ve got a big mouth.”
Editor note: The quotes in this article are somewhat fabricated. For the real – and equally hilarious transcript – visit here.
Read more about: Joe Kinnear Uncut: The REAL Talksport Interview